Waist Management

Terri and I met with a personal trainer today, I’ve never had one before and the idea is more than a little scary. Sophie was everything I thought she’d be, her van was intimidating and so was she. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I certainly wasn’t expecting to be standing alongside a busy street having my measurements taken eek!! Terri and I walked with her down to the park talking tentatively about why we needed her. Once in the park Sophie asked us to complete a number of tasks and recorded our times and reps. I wasn’t surprised when I could barely complete any of the activities she gave us to do, nor when I struggled to walk back up the hill after we finished. My chest was burning, my calves too and I was puffing… ridiculously. How did I get here? I mean I know how, but why? Why haven’t I got a hold of this already? I don’t really have the money to be signing up to personal training (PT) right now but I don’t think I can cope with the idea of not doing it either. 

One of my friends suggested I try again for the next season of TBL but I’m determined not to be eligible for next years show. I want to change so badly and the idea of PT is very appealing, it’s a huge part of why I wanted to go on Loser. I’m not only looking to loose weight this time but looking to gain back some of the respect I’ve lost from having failed so many times before. I don’t know how unrealistic it is anymore but I want my body to look the best it can and do the best it can. I’m ashamed about not treating it better and am petrified that even if I loose the weight I still won’t like what I see in the mirror. So that’s it I’ll give it a go for as long as I can afford, at least it’s something.

Later Taters xxx

Chew the fat.

I met with Terri today, we talked for ages. I found myself opening up to her and being the most honest I’ve been out loud in a long time. I think it was the combination of her gentle nature and her own raw honesty that encouraged me to purge my tortured thoughts. I felt bare and exposed but that my confessions were safe and accepted without judgment, something I haven’t felt in awhile. I never thought that I’d find myself identifying with someone else out there on so many levels, so many issues.  We spoke about things I’ve never told anyone, things I haven’t been able to admit myself. It was cleansing and I felt a different kind of weight was lifted. I feel ready to give losing weight a really good go again and finally feeling that small change in me has lifted my heart and hopes once more.

Later Taters xxx

Not worth the weight!

I had never refreshed my email so often than during the past 3 weeks, it became a ridiculous ritual each day. Then Dum Dum Duuuuuuuuum, there it was in my inbox, that menacing, flagged email that seemed to be mocking me with its bold font. I knew straight away, I would have been called, Erin was called. It was like P.E. at school all over again, kids are picking teams and they aren’t calling out your name…..

The subject read: The Biggest Loser Thank You. I opened it and my heart sank, The tribe has spoken, you’ve been eliminated from the race, You’re Fired, You’re not The One. If you have not been given a rose, please take this moment to say your goodbyes…. hang up your apron, snuff out your torch and leave the farm. Unfortunately you are not the Biggest Loser.  L

Later Taters xxx

It's not over till the fat lady sings.

I’ve agonized over these 2 weeks, not only about whether I’ve made it through to the next stage but about what I’m going to do if I haven’t? My self talk has swung between positive and negative predictions, preparing myself for bitter disappointment and at the same time visualizing life in the house and beyond. I even window shopped for what I would pick for my dream outfit. Now, just when I think I’ve experienced the longest 2 weeks of my life, an email has appeared informing me that the casting process had been extended and we have to weight (pun intended) another week. Thankfully my friend Erin was also lucky enough to get an audition. I say thankfully because I would have felt terrible if she hadn’t. After all it was her who encouraged me to apply again. Now she tells me she just found out that she’s made it to the final 40 and was undergoing medicals and psych tests…I know I haven’t made it. They won’t take both of us, we know each other and not only that but Erin’s audition was after mine so I should have heard by now if I’m through. She was confident that she did well...I was not. I don’t know why but I can’t give up the idea of getting in completely, I still need to wait and hear for sure. Always the eternal optimist I guess.

Later Taters xxx