No weigh :(

Sooooo many thoughts running through my head. Mostly disappointed ones.

I realised tonight how used I've been... again. How I've invested too much... again. 

Maybe I expect too much but I thought Soph and I were friends not just trainer and client, she sure made me believe that. I'm hurt that she hasn't even checked in to see how my surgery went.
Now that she's has what she wanted I guess I'm not much use to her anymore and that makes me sad.

Not so long ago she implied that Terri and I aren't good advertisements for her business, I guess that's fair enough we're only 15kgs down... but a year of committment and over $3000 later I thought she'd try harder to help us push through our plateaus instead of making fun of us with her more 'perfect' clients.

I'm not sure I should keep writing about this here tonight, it wont make me feel any better to b*tch and whine and focussing on the negatives wont change anything except peoples perceptions of me.

Time to move on... again.

Happy Feet.

Today I kinda cheated…. I got a pedicure! J

My gorgeous friend Charlotte came around today, she blindfolded us and drove us to Silk Day spa. To thank us for throwing her a beautiful baby shower she’d booked both Jenni and I in for a pedicure. What a lovely surprise and a special treat.

This was one of the rewards I had on my list for my 10kg milestones. I decided in order to justify to myself that I wasn’t cheating I would reduce my weight loss goals to 5kgs. I had already been thinking of doing this in an effort to motivate myself again, it’s taken me months so far and I’ve still not reached my first 10kg goal. Having already lost over 5kg I was able to use today as a validation of that loss. Charlotte said I should be proud of what I had achieved, regardless of how long it’s taken. Days earlier she’d sent a link through facebook to help me visualize just how much I’ve lost so far. I guess I’m just used to going on extreme diets which initially yield fast and substantial results, though they are only temporary and short lived.

It started with refreshments and a foot soak, then Jenni and I were led to another room where we laid on beds, adorning sleep masks and listened to sleepy time music. What came next was a feeling so moving that it is comparable only to my first nibble on a piece of original recipe KFC. It was a divine and blissful experience and one I’d missed. Going back a few years ago I used to often treat myself to such luxuries. Acrylic nails, gel toes, spray tans, waxing and frequent visits to the hairdresser were things I most liked to splurge on. This was the first pedi I’d had in 7 years, it’s been over 2 years since I’ve been to the hairdresser and 1 year since I’ve gotten my bikini waxed, eek can anyone say Sascrotch?

Shamefully I have struggled to reach my toes and at times even had to ask Jenni to paint them for me to save me from the awkward and laborious job. Equally I am ashamed and too embarrassed to get waxed anymore, worried that I’ll be judged for my overhanging belly and overlapping thighs! That the beautician might recoil with disgust and wonder to herself why I would bother?

I avoid buying nice clothes and cute underwear anymore and I no longer wear make-up or do my hair because I don’t feel I deserve it. What’s the point in trying to dress up such an ugly situation? The effort would ultimately be in vain, wasted and foolish. Working in a pharmacy I have accumulated many skin and beauty products but never use them… saving them instead for when it might be worthwhile. That time just never comes. I can't believe this is me? I'm 27, full of self loathing and skewed perception, too scared to put myself out there and aiming only to keep peoples expectations of me as low as possible. This can't go on, I deserve better.

Look at my beautiful toes.

*Image

See the link Charlotte sent me; perhaps it will help you comprehend your own weight loss successes no matter how small it may seem on the scale.

http://youtu.be/UFjhmddDPRw

The Abusement Park.

It’s Aussie Day today and instead of sleeping in I got up to meet Terri down at the lake for what was another first. The lake was packed with all these stall owners who were setting up for the day’s festivities. There was barely a spot of spare grass to train. No worries though ‘cos all we needed was the track... oh that and the dirty great big green pole out of Sophie's truck! It was specially sanded down and painted black, Omg! I couldn’t believe that we were about to run around the lake with this thing and in front of so many people…ugh!

Terri brought her son along to the session today. The three of us set off, sharing the weight of the pole on our shoulders as we ran (shuffled out of sync) around the lake. At different points, in front of different stall holders, Soph had us stop and do an activity with the pole. Some of these included reps of raising it up and down over our heads, doing sit-ups with it, squats and racing back and forth to it. The trick was not to let it bounce around too much on your shoulders and when carrying it over our heads, you had to keep your arms fully extended as you ran or you’d end up bumping your head. Poor Terri and I each copped a blow to the noggin. I was happy with today’s session but I wish I could get back on track when it came to the food. Don’t get me wrong I haven’t been eating a bunch of bad stuff but I have indulged a little too much for someone desperate to loose numbers. I need to pull the reigns in on my serving sizes and start recording my daily stats in order to be more accountable. I’m just not there yet.

Later Taters xxx

Malice in Wonderland

Today I went over to Terri’s to watch the first episode of the TBL together. I watched it with mixed emotions. I found myself struggling with the realisation that this could have been me; I scrutinized everything about the show and imagined myself in place of one of the members in the white team.

Vanity appeared from out of nowhere as I considered, what’s so interesting about that contestant? Why are they a better option than me? I’m more attractive than her… aren’t I?  My inner dialogue tonight sounds more like my inner child has chucked a massive tantrum. I flicked occasional glances in Terri’s direction and tested a few comments. I could sense her disappointment but I wasn’t sure she’d be feeling the same way, the same arrogance and self pity. When the show ended there wasn't much left to say, we were deflated. It’s hard to even imagine that both of us had come so close to something that seemed so unreal now that we were watching it on TV.

I left Terri’s feeling hollow, cheated and unimportant. I tried to shake it off and think of the positives of not getting in… momentarily I’ve forgotten what those are.

Later Taters xxx

Running on empty.

Today was horrendous, I’ve been battling through work-outs trying to ignore how sick I feel, but today it was a little harder to ignore. It’s been hanging around for a couple of weeks now starting as a head cold and then morphing into other related illnesses and I’m so tired of being sick now. I would have thought that my increased fitness would have cut it short. 

Terri and I met with Sophie for a little session after a week off over the Christmas period. It was terrible not only had my fitness declined in just that short time but the exertion combined with my fragile stomach meant I was dry retching all over the place. There was no where to hide and the last thing I wanted was to spew in front of people. Especially as I was super paranoid that they would think it was because I was so unfit and not just because I was unwell. I made it through the session without puking, but only just. I do not feel well at all.

Later Taters xxx