Does this blog make me look fat?

I have spent what seems an eternity concealing my weight from others. My BMI, BMR, Kg’s, Measurements, Bio-Age etc are all numbers I have kept hidden from the judgement of others. I recall a time in high school when we were expected to write our fitness stats in the front of our phys ed book. We were to record and compare our progress throughout the course. Our weight and height measurements were to be included. One of my "friends" had been peer pressured into a reconnaissance mission like no other, that was to obtain my book and reveal my weight, something I had always been very secretive about. He opted for the classic distraction technique and made a sloppy grab for my book mid conversation. I snatched it back as quick as a flash and clung to it desperately as he tried to pry it from my hands. After much struggling he managed to rip it from my grasp, he opened it and glanced at the number on the page before I stole it back. Tears started to form in my eyes as he rushed over to the group of girls on the other side of the room. I tried to blink them away as I heard them laugh. I felt my face burning and then suddenly someone said “You idiot Joel, she can’t weigh 154 kilograms”... He’d read my height. I scribbled over those numbers in that book until pieces of cardboard began lifting up from the page.

This brings me to my current dilemma with this blog. I am at a cross roads, I am conflicted about exposing my feelings, my numbers…myself. Michelle Bridges says the first step in getting real about your weight issue is acknowledgement. This blog is meant to be my acknowledgement and attempt at creating some form of accountability for myself. It also offers the opportunity to cheat a little bit because of its capacity to be completely anonymous. This is a tempting option to me. I can’t decide how public I am willing to make this yet. Would I use it only as a therapeutic tool for myself? Keep my page private as some kind of online diary or journal? I could always publish it, but withhold photos and use pseudonyms in place of real names to avoid really put myself too far out there? Or perhaps I should just suck it up, use the potential embarrassment and humiliation of friends and family coming across my site as motivation to succeed.

I feel it’s important that I take some ownership over this process. I think I have decided I will not attempt to disguise my identity but that I am not ready to expose my weight related stats just yet. Once I’ve reached some goals and am headed steadily in the right direction, I would like to think I might be proud enough to disclose some of these details to you all.

So having said that what is to follow will be me…unedited and in the raw…eek!

Later Taters xxx